Comedians

Mark Sweeney

From Mark Sweeney....

I decided to write my own bio. I had someone do my one for the clubs, but it was the same stuff I wrote with the words him and he instead of I and me. Stupid. So I'm doing this one myself.

I'm the oldest of six children, without question, the hardest spot to be in, it's like being the emcee, you come out cold, have to break the ice and everyone expects you to suck. The crowd, like your parents are just experimenting. They want to like you, they're just not sure they can. As the oldest, you are the guinea pig. The oldest is the first one to get a penny stuck in the nose, the first one to break a bone, the first child your parents brought to the hospital. First time parents are completely clueless. They're not really sure if they did the right thing yet. You have to convince them.

I found the biggest problem with being from a large family is the noise level. Six kids make a lot of noise. Total quiet is impossible unless everyone has passed out. The phrase I heard most growing up was "quiet down, the baby is sleeping." All I wanted to know was when they were going to quit breeding so we can scream inside again.

We moved almost every year of my life until I was in ninth grade. Anyone who has been the "new kid in class," knows how unpleasant that can be. The principal walks you into a classroom half way through the school year, disrupts class to announce the new arrival. Yippee. I think that's what made me crave group attention and approval. They always wanted to know why I felt I had to be the class clown. Well, I was forced into the position, and I made the most of it.

I ended up in St. Louis, where I attended high school in the mid 70's. Lots of long hair, big bells, Marlboro's, beer and pot. A lot of keg parties. Jethro Tull, Led Zeppelin, Marshall Tucker Band, The Allman Brothers and Lynyrd Skynyrd. And of course, your first love. Good times. That sums up high school.

After graduating high school, I joined the Marines. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and once out of boot camp, it was a good idea. The three months I spent in boot camp was the only time in my life I wasn't funny. After boot camp, I had a great time. It was probably the smartest thing I ever did. I spent four years traveling the globe and partying my ass off around the world. I should've taken some pictures, but believe it or not, bars are pretty much the same the world over. I'm sure there were alot of places I should've seen, if I only had the time. Partying turned out to be a full time job, along with my full time job of being a Marine. I would go into more detail, but I'm writing a book and don't want to use up too many of my stories in my bio.

Let's move on.

After the Marines, I spent four years in college. Four years spent putting off the inevitable, getting a job in the outside world. Four years spent partying with civilians, different than partying with Marines. You get laid more hanging out with civilians. I had a great time in college, don't use my degree and could've used the money for a down payment on a house, but who knew? I tended bar throughout college, the greatest job in the world for a single man. There is nothing like going to work five nights a week with 300 drinking women.

I did my first open mic night in January of 1989. I was still tending bar at night and had gotten a job selling real estate. Turns out, real estate wasn't my bag. It was me and another guy my age in an office with forty women who had been doing it for the last twenty years, we fit right in. I lasted a month. Needless, to say, after my first open mic, I quit my job as a realtor. I was going to be a comedian.

I placed second in two consecutive Johnny Walker comedy competitions my first two years of comedy. I thought I was on my way. Nothing came from either one. I think it's too hard to judge comedy on a competitive basis. I've done a dozen of them and the funniest guy never won.

Eight years on the road and I moved to L.A. Every comic has to go to L.A. eventually. I think. I was out there five years and did get around to becoming somewhat of a working actor. Which usually means booking one job a month. I did episodes of THE VISITOR, DAYS OF OUR LIVES, BOSTON PUBLIC and THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN. I played a cop or security guard on each one except THIRD ROCK, that time I was a car buyer and got completely cut from the scene. They never tell you that you were cut, you realize it when you watch the show with the 100 people you've told, and you don't appear. Oops. I still have my pay stub.

I did a film called WORD OF MOUTH for the Playboy channel, (ooh laa laa), I was the only one in the movie who didn't get laid. I did several small budget indie films, which will probably never be seen by anyone but the director. After five years, I reaized that I didn't like acting that much, I had no desire for a screenplay, nor did I have an idea for a screenplay, which is unheard of in L.A. What's your screenplay about? Me? I'm one of the seven people who aren't writing one. So, after much consideration, I moved back to St. Louis to rededicate myself to stand-up.

THE END

FUN FACTS

I was born in Chicago, but grew up in St. Louis. I attended Parkway West Jr. and Sr. high schools. I was stationed in 29 Palms, CA, Okinawa, Japan and Cherry Point, N.C. I went to college at Southeast Missouri in Cape Girardeau. Cedric the Entertainer was one of my classmates. Cedric seems to be doing pretty well for himself. Ced, if you're looking for me, here I am.

Turn ons: Fishnet stockings, Rams football, eating jello on the beach at sunset

Turn offs: Rude people, terrorism, litter

What's funny: Almost anything, with the proper medication

Favorite flicks: Resevoir Dogs, The Godfather, any Christopher Guest or Bill Murray movie

Who makes me laugh: Pryor, Carlin, Brian Regan, Todd Barry, John Caponera, Jim Gaffigan.

Visit Mark's Website